This is going to be a really hard blog for me to write. It is incredibly personal and very hard to admit, but I hope by making it public that; 1. It will help me deal with the situation and 2. Someone might offer a solution and 3. Perhaps someone else who is going through something similar will know they aren’t the only one.
When we have children, from the moment we hold them in our arms 99.9% of parents have an instant love for their little bundle of joy. That love is uncompromising, unfaltering, and unconditional. As we watch them grow up that love grows as they develop physically, mentally and emotionally. We do what we think is right, we make decisions for our children that we hope will benefit them. We sacrifice things we would like to do or have. We don’t think twice about it as they are our lives, and we would lay our lives on the line for them.
We understand as they reach their teenage years that our relationship with them changes as they develop and flourish into adults. We take pleasure in watching them go out into the world a bit at a time, having girl or boy friends, making right choices, being there for them when they make the wrong ones. Making it all better when it goes wrong, being there for them when they need us. Celebrating with them when they are successful and being the shoulder to cry on when they are not. The voice of reason, the voice of experience, the voice of comfort and the voice guidance.
But, what if it goes wrong? What if it doesn’t happen like this? What if those dreams we have of their future don’t happen? What if it goes wrong?
On the 14th February this year (2013) the Government issued New Government Domestic Violence and Abuse Definition in the Home Office circular 003/2013.
It states Domestic Violence is:
Any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality. This can encompass but is not limited to the following types of abuse:
• psychological
• physical
• sexual
• financial
• emotional
Controlling behaviour is: a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour.
Coercive behaviour is: an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.”*
*This definition includes so called ‘honour’ based violence, female genital mutilation (FGM) and forced marriage, and is clear that victims are not confined to one gender or ethnic group.
I have not been in a relationship for some time so perhaps you are thinking this is something that doesn’t apply to me. However let me draw your attention to the words “or family members”.
We see a lot in the media about violence by a man (husband/boyfriend) to a woman (wife/girlfriend), often being highlighted in soaps with powerful story lines that have no doubt rung cords with countless victims and hopefully helped so many, and we are starting to hear a little more from men who suffer violence from their wife/girlfriend. However how often do you hear about Domestic Violence by a child to their parent (also known as parent abuse)?
I have realised recently that I am (even though I don’t want to admit it) a victim (hate that word) of Domestic Violence. The abuse I currently suffer from my son take different forms. The last couple listed have only been occurring more recently. He:
Uses abuse to try to get his way – This involves shouting, name-calling and emotional blackmail.
Emotional abuse – He puts me down, tells me I am a bad mother, makes me feel guilty, ignores me, and viciously swears at me, tells me he hates me and wishes he was never born.
Denies, justifies, minimises and blames to justify his behaviour – he acts like the way he behaves is no big deal, blaming me for everything and not taking responsibility for anything.
Property destruction – punching walls, throwing things and breaking them, destroying photos and mementoes from when he was younger.
Violating my trust by ignoring house rules, taking things and stealing from me.
Threats and intimidation – a relatively new behaviour. Drawing himself up to his full height he will approach me and shout in my face, he has also started threatening me and my home.
Physical abuse – this is new. Physically pushing past me and spiting at me. He has never hit me, but I have been kicked (intentionally/unintentionally I do not know).
This has left me feeling increasingly isolated, with a huge feeling of shame and helplessness, desperation and a feeling of being out of control in my own home, of my own life. I feel a failure as a mother and if anyone was going to make me feel like that, I didn’t have my son down as the one to do it. The hate he seems to have towards me is heartbreaking. For 18 years I have kept him safe. He has never experienced violence in the home, never heard arguments or fighting. He didn’t have a stream of men coming and going through his life. He has on the whole (I thought) had a happy, carefree childhood with plenty of love and laughs.
Despite everything he does, I find myself defending him. “He is just lost”. “He has low self-esteem” “he just needs a job that will sort him out” “he doesn’t mean to do it” “I am sure he doesn’t mean to be this way” “he is just going through a rough patch” “he is a nice lad most of the time”. And the thing is they are all things women (and men) who are victims of domestic violence say. I heard it many times when I was working for a charity. They are the excuses abusees make for their abusers.
Any form of domestic violence is a frightening and traumatic thing to go through. Only once in my life have I had a boyfriend go to raise his hand to me and it was the last he saw of me. I have always said the moment anyone does that they wouldn’t see me for dust. And this would be true for anyone in my life it seems, but my son.
People tell me to report him to the police and to kick him out. But it’s not their son. I know I would say that to any man or woman being abused by their partner. But he’s my boy. I want to protect him, I want to see him being a success, and I don’t want him to feel unloved or uncared for. I don’t want him to be scared. I don’t want him to be alone.
The thing is I know I am not alone. I know it is not just my son. I know at least 2 friends who have had problems with their sons and daughters. I know it is a common problem these days, and I am not the only parent who is wondering where their sweet natured, kind loving ambitious child has gone. But when I look for help online, I find nothing. Lots about children witnessing domestic violence, lots about spousal domestic violence, but very little on child on parent domestic violence. And if there is anything it is involving younger teens. My problem is mine is 18, he is an adult. Where is the support for us? Where can I get him the help he so desperately needs? How do I get us through this in one piece?
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