A year and 10 days ago I woke at 5am feeling fine.. at 5.30 it felt like I had been hit in the back of my head with a cricket bat. I spent until 2pm lying in bed clutching my head in agony unable to keep pain killers down and being sick. I asked myself if this was what it felt like to have a stroke and even did the FAST tests.. At 2pm I finally kept pain killers down and at 3.30 I drove to work to pick up my laptop so I could do some work from home, I was told by my colleagues I looked rough. I had spent the day with the worst headache I have ever experienced. The headache lasted all weekend, but was subdued a little with copious amounts of pain killers, how I didn’t OD I don’t know. Monday I went to work. Called the NHS helpline as told them my symptoms, the nurse I was finally put through to said it was just a migraine. Tuesday I got an appointment with a paramedic practitioner at my docs. He said it was probably just a migraine.
Friday I drove up North to Cleckheaton with my son. My head was feeling a little better and the drive although long was bearable. The only real headache was my Son, he gets bored after 20 mins in the car! I dropped my son off at the site of the music festival we were helping at and I drove to Beverley to see my friend. As I was pulling my bag out of the car, bam! Cricket bat to the back of the head again. I remember clinging on to the side of the car and praying not to fall over, getting my bag out and walking into my friends garden. I spent the next few hours at her kitchen table feeling so sick and again the worst headache ever experienced. Despite her and her partners suggestions I should eat something and go to hospital I refused and went to bed (too stubborn for my own good). I spent the night being sick and lying in agony in the bed.
On the Saturday afternoon I finally forced myself out of bed and as I had paid for a room in a spa hotel in Cleck I was defiantly going to use it. I drove the hour or so to Cleck and checked in feeling so sick. I crawled into the most uncomfortable bed ever and spent my stay being sick, and sleeping. I managed to keep a cup of tea down. I even ran myself a shower hoping the water on my head would help ease the pain. It didn’t, all I achieved was not having the strength to turn the hot tap off and setting off the alarms with the steam.
The next thing I knew I had a call on my room phone and it was my friends and my son asking to come up and see me as they had not been able to get hold of me and were worried. They called an ambulance and I was asking how the music festival was going to be told it was over, it was the next day and they were packing it all down. I had lost 24 hours and it wasn’t alcohol induced! The ambulance arrived and I was wheeled out of the hotel with my wild bed hair and not looking the best advert for a newly refurbished spa hotel.
I was taken to Dewsbury Hospital where it was confirmed I had had a Subarachnoid Haemorrhage (SAH). They blue lighted me to Leeds. My parents who were up north at the time arrived after my son (via my sisters in Spain) had got hold of them and were a constant though my stay in HDU. Mum feeding me soup.. blleeuggh and Dad being my door gnome sitting at the door on a broken chair.
Early the next day (a year ago today) I had brain surgery and had 2 platinum coils fitted in my brain. I spent the next 5 or 6 days in HDU and was then transferred to the ward. I spent 2 weeks in Leeds and then was under house arrest in Dorset at my parents for 3 weeks (they provide the best aftercare, very strange having my Dad telling me to eat and to sleep!).
The first 3 months after my SAHs I spent a lot of time angry, very angry and wishing I had died, it would have been easier. My life was on hold. On one hand I wanted to go out but on the other I just wanted to wallow and be alone. Leaving the house I was restrained by the lack of driving license, the buses made me feel sick, taxis were just plain expensive. My balance was off, I could physically only manage to walk 5 minutes before becoming wobbly and exhausted. Oh and the headaches, I think I’ve kept the painkiller industry in business.
In the year since I have tried to keep positive, I have joked about it, those who have spent time with me know my “I have brain damage don’t you know” moments. I have tried to embrace life more and try new things. I’ve worked around my headaches and bouts of exhaustion.
Until a couple of weeks ago I was loving life. New friends, new experiences, new look. I had lost 10 stone and for the first time in many many years I was feeling quite good about myself. I still have lots of self doubt, doubt in my ability to do things I have always done, doubt in the new things I am trying, doubt in me in general. I over analysis things, over think them. I can’t fully relax and let the ‘real’ me out most of the time. I put up a wall and don’t let many people in. If I have kept/let you in my circle you are either lucky or should make a run for it while you can.
But then the 1 year anniversary of my first blip came about. It has been like a switch has gone off in my head and I don’t know how to deal with it. I feel so confused and angry about it. I can go from happy go lucky one minute to sad and depressed the next. I have had a couple of what I can only describe as anxiety/panic attacks. They exhaust me. Last night mid dance it was like a big black cloud came and knocked me off kilter, (apologies to my dance partner for being useless). I get teary at the drop of a hat. I want to rage against nothing. I try and keep the front up and smile and laugh, but I often just want to crawl away.
So if I seem out of sorts towards you or if I am with you, trust me it’s not you it’s me (unless you are one of the people who I have not seen hide nor hair of in the last year, then you’re probably are dead to me). I can only apologise now and promise the old/new Beth will be back just as soon as I have worked out what I need to do.
Over the last year I have had support from some amazing people who I am so pleased are in my life. I thank you all. Just a text, a call or a note asking how I am has made all the difference and made me feel loved.
Thanks for reading this far and if you have I just want to tell you to cherish life, and those who are there for you when you need them. One event can change your life forever, we don’t know for sure where we will be tomorrow just where we hope we will be. Don’t judge someone for how they are in a moment, it might not be their true self. You have to be fearless and take chances. Live life to the fullest and embrace new things and new people. Dont underestimate the power of a hug.. most importantly remember to Love.
B xx
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